Do you know that feeling when you now have all the ingredients you need but still lack the motivation to start whatever you want to do? That’s how I feel right now. I keep on delaying things that I want to do that I ask myself do I genuinely want to do these things? Or maybe I am just overwhelmed with all the things that I have that I don’t know where to start.
For example, studying Japanese used to be easy for me. Now, I am having a hard time focusing, learning, and attending my classes. Last time, someone forced me to attend my classes. I don’t want to admit that I am the type who would need a push to continue what I’ve started, but maybe I am that type of person. Is it because my plans changed that some things are not as interesting as they were before?
Do I just want to keep on living in the moment? Do I want time to stop that is why I keep delaying things? I know time wouldn’t stop and that I need to shake myself, wake up to the reality that time will move even if I pause. Am I not convinced with my plans, which is why I keep on delaying them?
A few weeks ago, I found my Ikigai already, but I am not yet moving towards the right and concrete steps to achieve it.
I wish I had it within me to push myself into doing things I want to do. Whenever I am in that zone, I am unstoppable. But why is that zone not arriving anytime soon? Am I merely impatient? Or am I just putting pressure on myself?
Honestly, I shouldn’t really be slacking off since there are far more relevant issues such the airstrikes in Gaza, the spike of COVID-19 cases in India, etc. My issues are petty but I can’t help them. I get swallowed in my pettiness even if I don’t want to.
Walk these wild roads
And there’s no turning back
We’ve walked for miles, so
We’re off the beaten track
I know it’s not easy, but it’s the way
The wind it blows me
What I need right now is to be disciplined. Recalibrate. Have a plan. Stick to that plan. Whenever I stumble, I need to let go of the time wasted and bounce back. I have to surround myself with an environment that would give me motivation. I need to repeat this like a mantra until I make it a habit.
A video I watched recently said, “trust the process,” and I should. I will and do trust the process.
Update: After watching Lavendaire, I realized that I am in a rut because of a fear — a fear of failing. She said that, “the harsh reality is that you’re afraid to try because you’re afraid to fail. Because if you were to try hard at being your best, then there’s an opportunity for failure and disappointment, and maybe being lazy and unmotivated is a way to avoid that failure, avoid that fear.”
Now it’s clear to me. I still have to find my motivation soon, but now I know why I’m in a rut. With this, I have to remind myself that 2021 is the year that I change. It is the year where I grow, make mistakes, fail, and learn from them. Again, I have no expectations this year. I will live according to how I want to live — content and happily.
